Adrift but not drowning.

So I find myself in a familiar place. A lonely place, but it’s not as scary here as it was last time, last time I may as well of been on a sinking inflatable raft in the Humber estuary, I couldn’t see anywhere but down. I had absolutely no support to hold on to, I could barely keep my head above the water and half the time I didn’t want to.

This time I envision myself in slightly calmer waters, maybe the Atlantic but a nice part maybe off the shore of France or Spain, my legs are still in the water but around my middle I have a secure life ring. A big wave will come along every now and again and tip me upside down but it’s not too hard to fight myself back up the right way. Mainly it’s calm and if there are any storms forecast I know I’ll stay afloat. It’s not too bad here, not too turbulent, not warm but not cold, just a happy medium. Attached to the ring round my middle are very fragile ropes, these ropes are my newly formed ties and lifelines.

I didn’t have any ropes to pull me out of the waves last time. This time I have a few, my recovery, my relationship, my family and friends, my stubbornness, my fire and my absolute refusal to give in. It sounds funny to say my future, but hopefully that is the rope I’ll cling to and that rope is the one that will gradually pull me along to the shore, I am more than aware it’s a very long rope and I need to bear in mind that the next time I find myself adrift I aim for it to be in the Gulf of Mexico with me on a lilo and a cocktail in my hand. 🍹 so I have a long long journey across the waves to get to that place. But I will.

There is one rope I have unfortunately encountered before and it is still very much with me, a slippery algae covered rope that refuses to let go, the difference with this rope is that not only is it heavy and thick it also isn’t trying to pull me across the water it is trying to drag me down out of my life ring, underneath the waves and keep me there. It also differs from the others as instead of being attached to the life ring…this one comes from deep inside of me. It anchors me in place allowing me to slowly float towards the shore or to float closer to my future.. it never lets go though. I just have to learn to control it best I can. Hopefully as the other ropes strengthen their grip, this slimy one won’t grip as me as tight.

Last time I was adrift in the choppy waters of the Humber this rope ran the whole length of my body, this time it is only half maintaining its grip and only half of my body is submerged. So as I say I am in a strange but not hugely unfamiliar place at the moment. I do think that me being here half way back into the place I was in and half way towards a future I couldn’t even imagine a few months ago… is very telling. I can finally see just how far I’ve come. For the first time in months I feel I have a choice. A very shaky choice and I’m not silly enough to think the ocean will be plain sailing but just being able to see the difference will spur me on. 🌊 well that and the hope of one day a cocktail in the Gulf of Mexico 🍸