Delilah (April 2019)

My counsellor suggested imagining my little blossom tree growing inside of me and shooting her roots down through my feet and holding me firmly to the ground… last night when rehearsals weren’t going very well… I took her advice on board… I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, imagining my tree blossoming deep within my stomach… is roots spreading out and reaching down inside my legs… her branches spreading out inside my stomach, strongly twisting and knotting herself through my sore purged stomach, she grabbed a tight hold of my Bulimia and she pushed up past my stomach carrying it with her and spread into my lungs… invading my breathing space.. I tried to ignore the need to hyperventilate as she knotted and spread herself around, her branches finding and trying to clear my panic from my tired aching lungs… I concentrated on rooting her.. shooting her roots further down my legs to my ankles, her branches where fully in my lungs now and reaching for my heart.. she had grabbed my panic and was taking this with her also… she gently wound her way round my heart… searching for something to take… searching for my pain, she had to shoot out some extra branches to take the whole burden and I had to concentrate on pushing her roots further down… half way down my feet now strongly rooting in my legs… she took from my heart an ounce of my pain and Carried on her search throughout my broken body… searching for things to pick up and take with her… my torso was now full of beautiful cherry blossom carrying with her just some of the slugs which had made my last Circus so bad… she was feeling rather heavy as she blossomed up my neck and into my jaw… her roots beginning to firmly sprout out of my feet… she started prodding at my brain with her beautiful branches… her roots started to go into the floor beneath my feet… the wind whispered through her blossoms as she began to spread out and explore my tortured brain… I closed my eyes and asked her to take my memory… that was too much to ask she wasn’t strong enough yet but I already knew I was asking too much so I asked her to take some of my pain and some of his words…asked her to take some of the worst performers away from my Circus… my feet firmly held in place by her strong roots… her branches burst out the top of my head with ferocity, bare and wiry… only one branch was blossomed and on this branch I could see my bulimia struggling to hold on… slipping off hitting the blossoms on its way out out of my head… it reached all the way down to the bottom of the branch and clung there ugly and sorry for itself asking me for another chance… I stared at it in disgust and let it just hang there… pitiful and dependent.. I looked at all the other branches wondering why they were bare had I not rooted deep enough? Was my body too chaotic for such a beautiful tree to handle? The wind blew and whispered soothingly in my ear… one step at a time… one day the Bulimia will lose its grip completely until then I will add Delilah to my Circus and I will continue to water and nourish her until all of her branches are full of Cherry blossom…