Dennis (summer 2019)

On Monday I was having a good day… it was influenced by diazepam but so be it.. I went for a lovely walk along the cliffs of Scarborough, I came across a bench dedicated to a man called Dennis.. who loved walking these cliffs with his wife… I sat on his bench and immersed myself into bittersweet fantasies about this man and his wife and imagined where they walked and how they had lived their lives, it comforted me to escape elsewhere for a while, I hope his wife is still alive and I hope she still walks those cliffs and smiles fondly at her memories. It was so beautiful and peaceful on Dennis’s bench, the wind whipped my hair up into a frenzy.. giving a small glimpse of the dulled down yet paralysing anxiety just barely contained inside the shell of my body.. it’s always there even on my good days or even when I’m laughing, dancing… or just having a lovely time it doesn’t take much to spill the pot and then that’s it my fragile shell cracks and it all comes spilling out but not on Monday.. I had two victories!! Small maybe but victories all the same.. I walked through a busy town centre in my vest top!! Usually I insist on a jumper or a cardigan but I did it that day 😌 not only did I manage to walk in a vest top.. I also managed to have my headphones in and my music a bit louder than usual! I adore getting lost in my music and barely leave the house without my headphones but generally have my music so low I can still hear my own footsteps.. the last thing o need is for someone to take me by surprise and set off a public display of the crazy me. But on Monday I did it.. on my bad days the little bitch in my head would chastise me for those two things she doesn’t think I should be proud of anything, but on days like Monday I’m strong enough to tell her where to go. Days like Monday fill my heavy heart with happiness, I become thankful for the body that I generally hate, and my tortured mind fills a little gap with beautiful images such as the gorgeous blue sea stretched out for miles in front of me, and the butterflies flitting playfully and carefree around me.. I know it won’t last which is why I cherish days like Monday.. because you see when the inevitable, overwhelming panic and dread come to take over again.. I am armed with my new images and my new adventures and these seemingly tiny everyday things help replace just an inch of the torture in my mind.. I will carry on immersing myself in new memories and new adventures until my mind becomes strong enough to flood out all of the pain and torture in my kind and replace every inch with butterflies, seaside, sparkly things, wheatfield or even just a bench professing someone else’s love… I’m getting better at dealing with the Circus one day it will be the greatest show.