Goats and spiders…

There once was a goat she lived on a lovely green field in a farm of very close knit animals, she was a happy little goat, she was content, she enjoyed helping other goats, she was very busy but she was also very dependable … she just took everything in her stride, she had a lovely home and a another goat to share things with.

Now this goat although she was willing to help most other animals there was one thing she was very afraid of, she was terrified of spiders, she avoided them at all costs and even enlisted the help of two cats to help keep them away from her patch, nonetheless she cruised along helping all and sundry because she was very secure in the knowledge that she had others backs and very naively thought they would have hers if she should ever need them.

She had gone through some hard times and had suffered a great loss but still she was able to get through and carry on. One day she witnessed the horrendous treatment of very fragile goat by a senior member of the hierarchy, she did what she always did she spoke out and trusted something would be done, to keep this goat free from harm, now when she spoke out she didn’t realise that little cracks would start to appear in her security, she didn’t notice the grass turning slightly yellow she didn’t notice she wasn’t laughing as much as she usually did, so when actually nothing got done to protect this fragile goat it took her by suprise, pulled the security blanket straight out from underneath of her. She temporarily stopped being able to help people she was too shell shocked by what had happened. She didn’t want to try and help where these vunerable animals were mistreated and ignored.

All of a sudden she needed a break she noticed the yellow grass, she noticed little things were stressing her, she noticed she didn’t have the capacity or space in her head to help others at that point in time so she started trying to reach out, she did after all have a great support network, firstly she tried reaching out to the goat that shared her patch but she wasn’t interested. The grass was now turning brown and cracks were beginning to appear on the ground underneath her feet. Now as I mentioned earlier she had faced hard times and got through them mostly fine and when she hit a very rough patch at 17 she had a very close friend there to catch her, she relied on him and trusted him implicitly.

So she went to this friend and let down all of her walls she let her pain out and accepted a little hug from this friend, except for all of a sudden this friend wasn’t a friend anymore, he turned into the most ugliest terrifying monster she had ever seen right before her very eyes, he took her and he crushed her, he ripped her soul from her body, made her absolutely detest herself and made her question absolutely everything she thought she knew. He hurt her so badly she became a mere shadow of the goat she used to be, she tried to go back to her safe patch of grass to find it completely barren and in severe drought there were no other goats there at all she was completely and utterly alone.

She tried to keep what had happened to her a secret but she couldn’t. She couldn’t eat, she couldn’t wash herself, she couldn’t sleep and the goat she had shared her patch with for 13 years had turned away from her, she was internally screaming but nobody cared, they weren’t used to this… they were used to her being dependable and always there for everyone and they couldn’t understand she needed them so badly so she cut herself off.

When her secret caused her way too much pain and she couldn’t carry the burden herself anymore she started trying to reach out, she reluctantly told her secret to some spiders. As she expected they were awful about it, she didn’t trust them they made false promises, shut her out, called her a liar, called her a cheat, told her to help herself, told her to stop being selfish and get back to the cheery goat everyone knew… but she couldn’t she was too hurt, the bricks on her back were far too heavy and she was about to break.

She wandered alone and broken along the barren fields falling down the cracks and occasionally trying to escape but always ending up back in the same place like a never ending hellish Groundhog Day.

She had almost given up when she reached out in despair to a place she thought she would never have to have anything to do with and once again wearily accepted the promises they made about the help they would give her but she expected to never hear from them again, to her great suprise later on that very day a tarantula from this place reached out a leg… the goat was very afraid and very distrustful, but this tarantula was different from the rest of the spiders, she didn’t make false promises, she called when she said she would, she did everything in her power to help the goat and very slowly the goat started to trust this tarantula she didn’t make false promises, she didn’t lie, she didn’t run when the goat thought she was going crazy, instead she encouraged her, gently.. she was tough when she needed to be but she was always there she gave this broken little goat hope, she gave her options, she let her know that she wasn’t crazy and that her reactions were all perfectly normal.

Over the next year the goat was able to start piecing back together her life, she knew she had the tarantula should she need her. Now don’t get me wrong the goat had an awful time of it, and they were really hard times when the goat would fall and not be able to get up… the tarantula just kept gently encouraging her until she could. The cracked ground started to heal very slowly, and after every fall the goat suffered, a few more green patches of grass would shoot up and give the goat a little hope and she began to feel a little braver because she knew next time she fell she would get up stronger armed with more knowledge and more patches of grass would be there to comfort her.

Now this goat is a very different goat to the one she was before and she’s so tired, she’s been right through the mill and still continues to be strung out to breaking point but with the little help of a certain tarantula she learnt she wasn’t alone.. she didn’t have to deal with anything or anyone on her own anymore and she is now feeling strong enough to be able to move on and rebuild her shelter and her life, unfortunately the tarantula can’t stay because she has many other goats to reach out to.. to offer hope, to give a voice to, and to just be there when absolutely nobody and nothing else is. Sometimes the goat thinks if she had met the tarantula in different circumstances they would of become fast friends but she knows she has to let her go and she has to rebuild herself and what I’m trying to say the ridiculously long and crazy way around, is that if the goat had never had that tarantula reach out it’s leg that day, she firmly believes she wouldn’t be here now standing shakily on her legs reaching out and recarving a future she once thought was never possible… she wouldn’t be able to feel safe enough to start again, she wouldn’t of got through her darkest times… the goat will never forget the tarantula and thanks her from the very bottom of her heart for just being there and teaching her that even in the darkest of times she wasn’t alone. ❤️

The ground underneath the goat is still shaky and the cracks are only filled skin deep but she knows that one day the ground will once again be stable and she knows she will once again be able to be a voice for those who need it. She is still hurting and still fights demons daily but she’s doing it, a little under a year ago she couldn’t see past an hour… today she can see past a week and that in itself is huge. She has learnt a lesson the very tough way, she thought that her fierceness and honesty had gotten her into so much trouble that she should be silent… slowly though she is learning to accept that even though others are extremely adept at shirking their responsibilities and not speaking out when things are wrong, she should never let herself be silenced. She is made of very strong moral fibres and she will never be silenced again. She can get through this and she will carry on empowering others when she is once again strong enough.

She knows this because not only has she given others a voice when they’ve needed it, she has now unfortunately found herself in that place and understands even more how important and valuable it for a person to be given hope and a voice when they can’t see any way out.

Published by DelilahSpuddy

Well when I first started this blog, I was just using it as an anonymous way to vent. I suffered a horrific year in 2018 starting with witnessing abuse in my work place and ending in an awful assault on me by a so called friend. Now as I start to recover I’m hoping to reach those who unfortunately may find themselves in my situation with nobody to turn to. I managed my PTSD symptoms a good 8 months before I was told I wasn’t going mad and actually there was a name for it. In those 8 months I came up with all sorts of weird and wonderful ways to ground and help myself. Some of the writing in my blog isn’t nice and contains some triggers so please be aware. It’s just what I need to do at the moment. But if you want to... feel free to have a look ❤️ welcome to the madhouse 😂

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