Invisible illness.

Seriously frustrated today. Because I function so well and for the most part I cope with my symptoms on my own, people seem to think I’m not ill. I had a mental health nurse this afternoon say to me “you are coping with a nursing course, and you haven’t hurt yourself for a few weeks now.. you don’t need the CMHT”!!! Lol I’d like to see her try and spend a night in the same room as me or be there through even a mild flashback. Yes I am coping with my illness and my course most of the time, it doesn’t mean I aren’t battling my head every day, I also fight my body throughout the day, I recognise the tensing of my muscles and I have to fight off flashbacks at least 3 times an hour, but because I manage it… I’m not ill 🙄

She then went on to ask me why I had the Home Team involved 🤯 everything I mentioned she shut me down, now I am used to having doors slammed in my face but Jesus Christ!! Have a bit of compassion. I ended up crying partly with frustration and partly because I feel so minimised. She asked who I was supposed to be getting referred to etc etc… they are meant to be in place to alleviate my stress not add to it. I have been asking for help for over a year now it’s just not there.

She asked me what I’d had on this week so I told her about my university interview and how it had taken a lot out of me in the way of little flare ups here and there.. once again she completely minimised me.. well you managed that.. yes I did manage it but I had a huge anxiety attack beforehand and cried in the toilets at least twice because I couldn’t cope with myself, but did she ask me any of that? No did she hell.

Then after that she asked me what sort of nursing I was going into I said Mental Health and she had the cheek to ask me why?! Well that pulled my fire right out.. why do I want to be a mental health nurse?? Well for starters to stop insensitive people like you re traumatising people like me!!! When I eventually get through this it will be me that’s pulled me through, me that’s conquered my flashbacks, my bulimia, my nightmares and my self harm… I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve asked for help and not gotten it.. so when I finally am able to just be me it will be my own strength that pulled me through and therefore I will be armed with an invaluable wealth of knowledge and understanding.

I have got my own back I’ve got this. 💪