So yesterday I reluctantly started a course of anti psychotics a very low dose.. I was told it would calm my anxiety and flashbacks.. this morning I had my second pill.. at first it made me very sleepy and dizzy but as those feelings started to wear off I became aware that I felt alright.. I keep a diary of flashbacks and usually by this time of the day (14.30ish) I’m exhausted after fighting off at least 6/7 bad ones and numerous mild ones but today I’ve only had two, one very mild and one very full on but I was able to ground myself and be ok within half an hour.
Another thing I noticed is that although I laugh every day and I always have, I’ve being feeling incredibly guilty when I do, I don’t feel I deserve to laugh and I don’t feel I deserve to be happy, plus if I let myself go too much my body gets ready to fight and I’m hit with anxiety, yet today my classmate made me laugh so much, I couldn’t breathe and wow did it feel good, I laughed until I cried and my stomach hurt and then I became aware that I had no guilt! I just felt great, and I was able to carry on laughing and twatting around without the constant feelings of having to be on guard incase a flashback hit me or anxiety hit me for laughing.
I’m also becoming less tolerant of people’s bullshit again which also is a big thing for me. For the past 2 years I’ve stuck up for people left, right and centre, including myself and every single time I’ve being badly burnt for doing so. I’ve done the right thing and I’m always the one to suffer for it, so I’ve tried to smother that part of me, the sassy fierce part of me that won’t stand for people being bullied, I’ve tried to dull her down because again I feel my sass and fierceness is partly what got me into this situation I’m now in so I’ve kept her quiet but today some classmates started slagging another off and I had to walk away so I didn’t give them tongue lashing, to be honest the old me would of dressed them down immediately without a second thought… today I walked away and then later on when they started again I simply said there was a fine line between not liking someone and being a total arsehole… I like that she’s coming back, why should she be silent? Just because the system is shit and it’s incredibly hard to get anything done about anything why should she be quiet?
I reported abuse nothing got done, I spoke out when I didn’t feel my brothers care was right nothing got done, I let my guard down in front of a friend and he brutally tore my soul from my body and I’ve struggled so much since… so those 3 things torture me because nothing got done and it hurts like hell… but then I look at seemingly small things that have maybe made a difference… I once tongue lashed a group of dolly birds in the gym who were body shaming some poor girl… I hope I made a difference to her and to their smart mouths… I was so furious my towel fell off as I was shouting at them in front of everyone 🤦♀️🤣 I think my nakedness probably made them cry more 😂 I’ve helped people achieve things they never thought they’d be able to do… I danced with a gentleman when everyone else was too scared to go near him. I’m not a bad person, these past two years have really hit me hard but today instead of focusing on what I couldn’t change I’ve focused on what I have changed.
Hopefully in the near future I can change things for myself and put myself back together… It hit me today when I couldn’t figure out if I was just me or if I was manic and I think that I’ve got so used to dealing with anxiety and awful thoughts for so long I think there’s something wrong with me when I’m not having to deal with it! Maybe this morning I was a little manic but…. I was also just me 😌 I know there’s a very long road ahead of me and I fully expect relapses but even just that tiny glimpse today has put a spring in my step so for now I’ll just enjoy that. 💙