Yesterday my therapist said the simplest of sentences to me and for the first time I actually heard her! It completely stunned me. Such a simple concept and I’m not sure why I heard her so clearly yesterday? Usually I just sit there and I either just say ok or I argue with her.
Yesterday I was chastising myself and my body for not reacting the way I think it should of. She said all the usual things, stop punishing yourself, it’s what happens in shock, you did not invite it, I’ll admit I wasn’t really listening I was too caught up berating myself.
Then she said the simplest sentence and it made me shut up for a minute (rarity) , sit back and actually slowly digest what she was saying. She said to me… it’s like when you have a furious argument with a friend or a family member and then later on you kick yourself because you think of something you should of said, but you didn’t because you didn’t have the hindsight, you didn’t know what to expect.
Now I don’t know if I’m just ready to hear it now and I wasn’t before, or if nobody has ever put it that simply before, either way my brain soaked it up immediately. Yesterday’s therapy session was incredibly difficult but I managed for the most part to verbalise a lot of the stuff I haven’t previously being able to and actually I’m very glad that I did. Because as I started to open up about certain bits.. my therapist explained absolutely every little part to me and for once I listened. I had flashbacks of course but only one sensory one and I was able to snap out of it very quickly. My hands balled up and got stuck once or twice but again with the help of my therapist I was able to recover quickly.
I told her about a certain trigger I can’t seem to get hold of, I told her why it triggered me and what happened at that point. I even told her I constantly trigger myself on purpose to try and combat it.. I looked up at her expecting her to think I was crazy but there was a slight play of a smile on her mouth which made me laugh.. we laughed about it, she said she wouldn’t expect anything else from me and then told me it was self punishing and probably isn’t the best way to go about it. 😂🤦♀️ she then helped me to identify what that certain trigger symbolised for me and although I already sort of knew it, saying it out loud hit home.
That certain trigger for me symbolises a complete and utter sense of helplessness, a total loss of control, which is why I can’t deal with it. I’m very aware of my triggers and if they can’t be avoided I generally have strategies in place, except for this certain one, it sometimes has the power to totally paralyse me, but by verbalising it and admitting what it meant it took a little bit of the pressure off, I’m going to try to work out my strategy in therapy.. a big thing for me as I generally won’t accept other people’s help with things I perceive as being my own fault.
I also told her about the insults he hurled at me throughout the assault and how they somersault over and over in my head, I said that people insult people everyday and it doesn’t stick like this has, she explained to me it’s because certain words take me back to the trauma and not because they are true but because it reminds me of the worst thing that ever happened to me. I told her I wish my body had just had one reaction either fight or freeze not fight, freeze, flight over and over, she explained to me it’s because of the adrenaline surges, like emotions going up and down, the more the adrenaline was heightened the more my bodily reactions changed.
Just to hear someone say that and I mean literally hear them, is amazing. Of course people say things to me all the time but I don’t take it in. Yesterday’s session was like I had a new pair of ears.
I am tentatively hopeful in the fact that yesterday I could clearly hear and accept what my therapist was saying is a sign that actually I’m ready to recover, maybe all the blame isn’t on me, and it’s ok to verbalise stuff because nobody thinks I’m disgusting.
I have moved from a place that was constantly triggering me, removed most of the toxic people out of my life, and thrown myself into my college course. I am now slowly tiptoeing into working through my nightmares, and I am ready to move on. Am I the woman I was? No. Will I ever be the woman I was? No. Do I dislike this new version of myself? Again no. I think I’m ready to start my new chapter. 💕