Yesterday was such a good day! I didn’t have one single flashback, I can’t remember the last time that happened. I had few auras but none of them actually took over.. 🥰 I cannot describe how amazing that felt!
Also yesterday I started off the day 5 assignments behind at college, I put my head down and got two done and submitted. so now I’m only 3 behind. I fully intended to get a good part of the next one done today. But no. Because I had a brilliant day yesterday my brain has now decided today is for sulking.
I cannot explain how tired I am today. I can’t sleep though, my nightmares are too scary to face alone, plus my head won’t shut the hell up. I am used to my bad patches taking it out of me but why on earth am I so tired after a good day?!
It’s because of the constant battle in my head. My body aches the majority of the time, it’s tired from hourly muscle spasms, hyperventilation when I try to fight a flashback or an anxiety attack, my hands constrict and become balls of cement at least two or three times a day, and sometimes when I sleep I suffer from disassociation, I’ll wake from a nightmare and try to hurt myself without any conscious thought, I don’t even remember half the time. I’m used to the physical tiredness I’ve sort of accepted it as a new norm for me. It’s easier to accept if don’t fight it.
I don’t even know where to begin about what goes on in my head, but I’m constantly fighting intrusive thoughts, constantly fighting the fight or flight response, struggling with self doubt, struggling to shut my self loathing up, sulking about my therapist, and convincing myself my girlfriend would be better off without me, thats just for starters.
In spite of everything I’ve mentioned, I did two bloody essays yesterday! I think I even managed a small walk in the fresh air. Maybe because my body is in a fight/flight state so constantly that when a rare good day comes along it relaxes.. it relaxes and my brain doesn’t know what to do! It’s like hang on…
It’s not happy… I fought off everything it threw at me yesterday and I was proud of myself. So go ahead and sulk hippocampus! You know today I might not be able to get out of bed and I might be sulking like a petulant child.
But to me it’s a victory. Yesterday I was fine. Today I’m not, but tomorrow I may be and even if I’m not I’ll hold on to the memory of yesterday until I once again have a good day. 😃