So this is my first blog post ever.. a member on a Depression Forum suggested it to me, I used to keep diaries as a child and nothing else seems to work so I’ll give this a try.
So here we go, an insight into the circus that is my mind right now, at this very moment I am fresh out of hospital from my fourth suicide attempt in as many months, this time though my family and friends were taken completely unaware and by surprise because I seemed so much “better” I wasn’t better I’ve just got good at hiding it… I have PTSD, depression and anxiety, I also suffer from a deep hatred of myself, unfortunately its not something I can just get better from I wish it was that easy!.
I have a couple of really close friends that I’ve known since preschool and they beg me to talk to them, but I can’t, I can’t explain it to them because it sounds crazy and it sounds warped I wouldn’t be able to stand seeing my friends faces as I tried to explain anything, so I’ll try here.
I have good days, I have bad days and I have days that are so dark and painful I cannot stand it. The way I’ve started to explain it to myself is, my good days are like a rehearsal, not just a rehearsal for me to return to the person I once was, but also a rehearsal for the really dark days because in my good days I find ways to help myself, new ways to pull myself out of the flashbacks that cripple me and leave me on the bathroom floor for hours, ways to stop myself running to the toilet to be sick everytime I eat, new ways to be at peace with myself.
The bad days are like a really badly rehearsed Circus… the awful words and thoughts somersault around and around in my head never ending never becoming the finale… just torturing me over and over again. I am not in control of the show at all, it just pushes ahead and drags me across with it.
The really dark days are like the end of the Circus… the badly rehearsed Circus that you may of unwittingly let some people see… the awful Circus they will most likely want to forget and never go back to… I stumble around muttering apologies and promising to find better ways and better shows next time… I’m promising this to people whilst inside I’m screaming in pain… I’m apologising for hurting those I love but inside I’m broken into a million pieces yet I can’t explain anything to them they don’t understand no matter how much they try to listen I can see the pain in their eyes when they can’t help me… that crushes me even more.
So like I say… barely a week out of hospital from by far the most serious attempt on my life yet I’ve had no input from the Mental Health Services.. the help that keeps getting dangled in front of me and then snatched away.. so here we go again.., the rehearsal has started… I’ve found new ways to pull me out of flashbacks I have even managed to find a way to stop them coming after ten long months of people telling me to just “stop it”… I am taking these rehearsals one day at a time and a tiny little bit of me knows that one day I won’t be trapped in this god awful cycle… until then I’ll cherish those around me and I’ll try to cherish my life. I just wanted maybe others to read this… you are not alone and the good days will come… you just have to believe in yourself. I know that’s the hardest thing right now I really do… I find myself counselling friends and I can’t believe the words that come out of my mouth, taking your own advice and trusting yourself can be the hardest thing to do in the world… but if you is all you have right now than trust yourself… in the meantime I have my own back through these rehearsals and I have yours too.