The tree 🌲 (August 2019)

So today… I indulged in a favourite childhood hobby of mine.. I climbed a tree! A bloody big one at that.. I don’t know where the urge came from I was moping through the cemetery envying the dead.. I needed to escape and I came across the most beautiful tree I just needed to be, I needed to belong and I needed to be peaceful and part of something beautiful so I climbed the tree… it was bliss I just sat on the branch and watched the people walking about, the wind rustling gently through the leaves and through my hair… I felt my troubled mind relax, I sent some of the torment in my mind, down through my body and into the trunk of the tree, this big strong tree could surely take that and get rid of it for me, I let some more of the torment leak through my eyes down my face.. and instead of furiously wiping away the tears I let them run down my face and drop off my jaw to the grass below, I stretched out my cramped and aching legs and thanked them for the strength to climb this tree and get some momentary peace, I looked at my body.. it’s changed drastically in the last year, I have put it through so much torment and pain.. the memories made more torment leak out of my eyes and all of a sudden I couldn’t stop, I cried for the woman I used to be and for my poor body. It had already been through hell and high water yet it was still here, still smiling through my pain, still allowing me to carry on.. I’d starved it, overfed it, purged it, cut it, punished it, refused to look at it and even tried to kill it…why? Because of something that wasn’t its fault, it did all it could to protect me and it did so successfully.. it saved my life it’s still here and so am I. For the past 14 months I’ve struggled or even refused to cry, to forgive, to heal, to be at peace, but this is now the fourth time I’ve properly cried in two weeks… and not because I’m here and I don’t want to be but because of the pain I still allow my mind to put my body through… I made myself a pact in that tree.. I am going to start to try and heal.. I can go to that tree anytime and let her strong trunk take some pain away from me, I’m going to make plans more than one day in advance and I’m not going to allow a razor or any medication hurt my body anymore. Easy to say now but I think I’m ready.