A letter to life…

Bit late and mostly ranty but 🤷‍♀️

https://bloggingexposure.wordpress.com/2020/03/22/lets-write-letters/

Right life, you absolute son of a nutcracker! what is this?! Seriously?! Give a girl a break!!

I would like to know exactly what the hell the past two years have been about,and why you thought it was appropriate to deal me that hand?? not even just that but what the hell is this virus about?! Just because I choose to self isolate every few weeks doesn’t mean I’m happy to do it for 12 weeks!

Regardless of this latest string on the bow… seriously the past two years, why?! So first of all you made me witness abuse which I then did the right thing about, but what happened? Nothing. After that I started to lose my passion for looking after people, that hurt, it’s what I do best. I then let my guard down in-front of someone for him to completely and utterly blow my safe little world apart. But you wasn’t even finished then… after that I lost my home, my long term relationship, most of my friends, my job and my bloody sanity!!!

Now what am I left with? PTSD well thank you so much for that. Honestly I get things are sent to test us and show us strength of character etc etc but just one of those things would of done thanks I mean 100 percent not what he did, you could of showed me not to trust in a different way and I’d of listened. Just one of those huge things though that would of been enough! but no you dealt me all of them in an 11 month period.

So after most of that you gave me the strength to pick up the phone and call the police, which once again turned into a huge quivering blob of stress and anxiety and once again absolutely nothing was achieved from speaking out. Also through my therapy which I get for the trauma I suffered I’m realising I’ve had so much to deal with my whole life and actually it isn’t fair so also what was that about?!

What have you done for me then? Left me a mere shadow of the person I once was. Shown me I can’t trust anybody. Shown me speaking out only ever benefits the bad people. Left me with crippling PTSD and left me feeling sorry for myself most of the time which in turn, turns into self loathing which then sets me off. I am not happy with you at all.

I keep trying to quit you… you are honestly at the minute a big horrible twat. You won’t let me quit though and I am hoping that is for a bloody good reason! Goodness knows I need a light at the end of the tunnel.

To be fair some of those clouds have silver linings, I realised my 13 year relationship was toxic and I am now in a far more healthy and happier one. I managed to go to college and get into university, I’ve met new friends, I’m determined to be a mental health nurse and my passion for looking after others is slowly returning but even then life, you have something to say, you make me feel bad for feeling proud of those things because sometimes I think those things only ever happened because of what he did to me so then I start to hate all of it. I just would like a break please.

Thanks. Over and out.

Published by DelilahSpuddy

Well when I first started this blog, I was just using it as an anonymous way to vent. I suffered a horrific year in 2018 starting with witnessing abuse in my work place and ending in an awful assault on me by a so called friend. Now as I start to recover I’m hoping to reach those who unfortunately may find themselves in my situation with nobody to turn to. I managed my PTSD symptoms a good 8 months before I was told I wasn’t going mad and actually there was a name for it. In those 8 months I came up with all sorts of weird and wonderful ways to ground and help myself. Some of the writing in my blog isn’t nice and contains some triggers so please be aware. It’s just what I need to do at the moment. But if you want to... feel free to have a look ❤️ welcome to the madhouse 😂

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2 Comments

  1. Take a break. Think about all those good things that happened. Maybe start with this– I am already in university and making good friends there… 🙂

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