Rollercoaster 🎢

This week has been what has become a typical week in my life in recent times, which basically means it’s a huge messy rollercoaster with so many steep ups and downs it’s untrue.

At the moment I’m riding a high, instead of enjoying the high.. my brain is looking for the next low. It’s not allowing me to enjoy this high. 🙄 but whatever. For now I can ignore the pessimist inside my head and live for today.

So.. Tuesday this week was an odd day! I had a phone appointment with my GP in the morning, I told him how bad my flashbacks were and that I wasn’t sleeping at all. My meds were subsequently doubled and I was prescribed sleeping pills.. I was grateful for the sleeping pills, but really upset about the increase in my normal meds, that sent me on a downward loop.

A little later we discovered a brick had been thrown through the cars windscreen. (Another thing in the constant campaign of hatred our neighbours seem to have against us.) the police are powerless as there’s never any evidence or they wear black clothes etc so they can’t be identified on the cctv. That sent my loop even further down. Seeing my girlfriend so upset and being powerless to do anything about it sent me down further.

I began to feel trapped. No moving anywhere with all this Covid-19 stuff going on. I could tell my gf was feeling it too. My PTSD then started to be a total bitch.

We were thrown an olive branch Tuesday evening when an estate agent sent us a few virtual tours and said it was possible for us to move in the current climate especially since the police had advised us to. We saw a gorgeous house and put in an application not daring to dream we would get it. My little cart by then was teetering up and softly rolling back and forth in the downwards loop.

Thursday… I got back an assignment I struggled to hell with. Highest grade yet!! my cart was steadily finding traction and starting to pull me up the track. Then, we got the house!! All the time my cart was climbing higher and higher…

Today, we finalised everything. Booked movers and started to believe that actually maybe we aren’t going to be stuck here for weeks on end with those utter knob heads. Already cruising along higher tracks an email from UCAS stopped me in my tracks, I was convinced I hadn’t got into my University, I have an offer from my hometown but this other one is the one I have been working towards. I GOT IN 😁😁😁😁😁 I couldn’t believe it!!!!

My cart found even higher tracks! For a few minutes I cruised dizzying heights along these tracks and then the realisation that my dad isn’t here to be the first person I told hit me in the face, it soured my moment, made it extremely bittersweet. I shed a few tears and then in that very limbo moment where I wasn’t sure if I was happy or sad I realised this…

I have literally been through sheer hell, all the PTSD/police/mental health crap/sheer hell/tosser neighbours etc etc… it’s all sort of served a purpose because look what I did!!! I have never struggled so hard in my whole life just to get out of bed in the morning never mind to get to college and apply for universities!! I actually never thought I’d get an offer, I even remember thinking my very first distinction was a pity grade 🤦‍♀️😭😂 but no… it’s real it’s not a fluke. I got myself here with blood, sweat, tears, sheer determination and a sprinkle of the good old family trait… stubbornness.

I’m still riding a high, but it isn’t too high and I hope I can enjoy it just a little bit longer. for once I am actually amazed at myself.