I have started to feel better recently, my flashbacks are down to one or two every 2 or 3 days, my nightmares are ever present but the past few nights they have been sort of gentle on me, I am generally able to wake up, calm down and go right back off to sleep instead of having huge panic attacks and forcing myself to stay awake. I’m not naive enough to think I’m better but I am sort of floating along on a delicate cloud of some sort of new normality, a new normality that I’m actually ok with.
At college I have been working on an assignment, it’s a presentation about the digestive system, now sometimes when my brain is in a particular state I start to relate myself, my surroundings and my trauma to whatever I am concentrating on. As I was thinking about the main organs of the digestive system, I moved onto it’s accessory organs, organs that are very important in the processes but are maybe generally not mentioned as much as say the stomach would be. In relatively the same way… if I look at my trauma as an outside outfit… too many accessories can really ruin an outfit. They need scaling down.
I started thinking about my trauma as the main bit that everyone can see, but the little niggles, the betrayals, the suicide attempts, just seemingly small things that happened around the same time or during the time I’ve spent trying to recover, they are like the little accessory bits.. very important and very painful but sort of not really addressed. I never seem to let my mind go there.
I dreamt last night about a friend I had from work in the months prior to my trauma, we became good friends because I reached out to her when she was having a hard time and we found we had a lot in common. Anyway, after he did what he did, this woman was there for me when nobody else was, she came to my GP with me, held my hand through flashbacks, supported me no end. Then one day out of the blue she texted me to say that she couldn’t be the friend I needed etc etc… no explanation, no excuses and then she blocked me on everything. I never got any explanation, no chance to apologise for being too much, just bam cut out!
I realise that I can be intense to deal with, hell I can’t stand myself half of the time, If someone sees me in a state I chastise myself over and over again for it. But just a grown up conversation would of done it, a chance for me to say sorry etc but no. Total silence.
I cannot begin to explain the pain and sheer panic that caused me, my world literally fell apart. Apart from my GP she was the only person in the world who knew my secret, she knew his name, where he worked and her husband even worked for the same chain as him. She also knew my family. I was beyond terrified she was going to say something, I could not deal with it. That ultimately lead to my first suicide attempt. I was totally crushed. Also because of that experience I retreated even further, it took me another 6 months before I let anyone near me whilst I was bad. I think I have only just recently started being able to have my girlfriend help me in the bathroom if I get stuck in flashbacks or I can’t bathe without trying to scrub my skin off, after almost 14 months after I was blocked for asking for help.
After my dream last night I started to think about her and that night she texted, the pain started hitting me again I could literally feel the pangs in my stomach and I realised she is an accessory pain, a big one I should maybe try to deal with whilst I have my little lulls inbetween my big scary pains. Hopefully if I try to do that whilst I have the strength and the headspace the bigger stuff won’t hit as hard next time. I am climbing a gruelling mountain as it is… without being bogged down by heavy accessories.
As hard as the accessory pains are to deal with, in a way I’m glad I’m starting to recognise that I need to deal with all those little things. Just one accessory at a time. I still have no idea what I did that was so bad but I don’t think in the scheme of things it really matters. It doesn’t matter that she isn’t part of my life now, all that matters is that I talk about it and try to put that pain to bed.