Last night I was trying to keep my head busy before sleep, I’d had an emotional day and I didn’t want a night full of nightmares…
I was chatting casually to my girlfriend about previous relationships and soulmates etc etc, as we were chatting I started to become aware that I was getting a little upset, I managed to stop talking but as soon as she asked me if I was ok, my god the floodgates opened..
I managed to say to her that it was awful how life can just change in an instant, bless her she thought I was crying over my ex.. as she held me she said that 13 years is a long long time and maybe I’d not had time to grieve properly.
I was crying too much to put her right at the time but I honestly wasn’t crying about that. I was crying at all the betrayal, loss, change and utter heartache of the last few years.
My dad was my hero, I’ve never loved anyone as much as my dad, it was rocky at times of course but when I was 3/4 years old he fought tooth and nail for me through the courts and for a while it was just me and him and I think without sounding truly pathetic that was one of the only times I have ever felt so secure and safe. I was very young so I don’t have many memories of just me and dad but the ones I do are happy, warm and safe.
Then one night he went to bed and then the next instant he was dead and I never got to say goodbye or tell him how much I loved him. I really hope he knew. I mean my last words to him were I love you dad and I’m eternally grateful for that, but it was said in between mine and my brothers fits of laughter because I’d just accidentally kicked dad in the balls 😂 As I grew up it was hard with my stepmother and my brothers health issues, we had words quite a lot but all in all he was my dad. He was always the one there to wake me up from the nightmares I suffered from as a kid, always there to make things better… but what do I do now when the nightmare is very much real life? 😔
Also… how do you go from being someone’s bestest friend in the whole world to have that ripped away in literally a split second?! One day I had a best friend I trusted and loved implicitly then in a 60 minute real life nightmare my best friend became the scariest thing I have ever seen or had to face in my life. I honestly don’t know what happened.
I found my blades the other day too, I used to keep them in my bedside drawer and I got to a point I would be using them every single day. I haven’t felt that need now for almost 4 months. I sometimes hurt myself in my sleep but never consciously anymore. When I found them I cried my eyes out, at the extra pain I had forced myself to go through, amongst everything else I was already going through.
As for my ex yes 13 years is a hell of a longtime but I’m relieved that ended. The relationship hadn’t been working for a good few years and she was horrible to me when I told her what happened. Also.. turns out it was a very toxic relationship, one I’m still recovering from, I’ve only just started to relax of I break something accidentally, or if I do something wrong (burn something/don’t wash pots properly.) hopefully I’ll stop apologising for everything soon too and I won’t need constant reassurance.
I just don’t get how 2 years ago I thought my life was set… my dad was gone already but I was coping, I wasn’t too happy in my relationship but I thought maybe long term relationships did cool down etc. I’d only had one other relationship so nothing really to compare it to. But I loved my job, I loved my life the majority of the time. It literally took a period of 6 months for absolutely everything to be torn from me. My job, my relationship, friendships, my home, my security, my body and then finally my mind.
I realised whilst writing I haven’t done a proud moments post for a while when I promised myself I’d do one once a week… I don’t think I have proud moments this time round.. I’m proud of me actually… those words seem so foreign! But you know I lost all of that and I lost my mind for a bit but… my mind and my body are very slowly starting to hold hands again and I’m bloody proud of that.
Also all that loss and heartache has taught me never to take anything for granted.. it’s like everything is new and exciting.
Maybe I should of turned into a really bitter nasty person but I haven’t. If anything it’s made me even more passionate about helping people when they can’t help themselves.
Usually I refuse to allow myself to cry, my mind doesn’t usually let me self pity it says all sorts of horrible things to me to shut me up. But recently I’m learning that it’s ok to cry and it’s ok to be gentle with myself. ❤️