Picking fights.

Awake at this ungodly hour unpacking my brain and sorting through the rubble.

After some soul searching with my girlfriend and a conversation with my therapist I am trying in the kindest, gentlest way I can muster to give my self a stern talking to.

The past few days have been turbulent to say the least. Saturday was the two year anniversary of my trauma, Friday night I got blind drunk and spent Saturday in bed with the hangover from hell, helped a little because I was too focused on my headache and nausea for anything to really take hold of me.

Today however, bam… punch straight in the face. Flashbacks, tears, anger, misplaced frustration, fear, you name it I have felt it today and if I’ve felt it I’m pretty sure my other half has too 💔

In my defiance and my desire to get better I haven’t been listening to myself at all. If I’m on the carpet and I start feeling uncomfortable I will not move until it’s absolutely necessary, if I’m on my back and my body starts showing me signs of flashbacks, I refuse to turn over, all well and good except for I’m not ready. I can’t win those fights yet.

All it does is lead to increased flashbacks and ultimately when I refuse to acknowledge it I disassociate. Deep down I know I should listen to myself but I just get so angry. Every single part of my day has triggers and I get so tired of them.

From the minute I wake up I’m mindful of my triggers, what I wear, how I have my hair, where my underwear is when I’m on the loo, I have to make sure things aren’t too noisy, nothing is going to startle me, even what I watch on the TV, any sniff of any sort of violence and I freeze. A certain word that is used a lot on my tv show, my brain immediately starts trying to take me back. At work I have to make sure clients aren’t behind me, that they aren’t in the way of the door, I have to make sure nobody else is around on break time or I can’t eat.

I have to watch what perfume I wear, what moisturiser I use, I can’t wear socks around my ankles or have anything remotely tight around my neckline or my wrists, and those are just the few I can think off of the top of my head, it is absolutely exhausting. So when I’ve had a day of it which is mostly everyday I get downright fed up and I get defiant but it isn’t helping.

Am I still trying to fight him? Do I need to somehow win? Do I need to gain some sort of control? Every single night when I’m falling asleep I’m straight back there on his floor, pinned down unable to move a muscle, why does my brain keep taking me there? How do I get control over that when I didn’t get the control in the situation??

My therapist said my trauma is part of me now and I have to learn to live with it. I wasn’t ready to hear that, it stung a little, I don’t want it. Not one little part of it. My girlfriend asked me to pick my fights but not with those big ones that I don’t know how to fight yet. 😔

Hard as those things are to hear/do I’m seeing the point. I’m just retraumatising myself I have promised to try and stop fighting those big ones so hard, to listen to me and to be kinder to myself. I just don’t quite know how to do that yet, I feel that if I give in then he still has power over me, but maybe by not hating myself as much maybe that’s how I win? Do I need to win or do I just need to make some sort of shaky peace with my traumatised self? I have no idea.

But I have promised to try my hardest and I never ever make a promise if I don’t think I can keep it so… for the next few days I’m going to try, maybe it’s the key to what I’m missing? Maybe it’ll help. I don’t know I haven’t tried soothing myself internally for 2 years now. Time to try and stop self hating. 🙄❤️