This week I decided to try my absolute hardest to sit with some of the most painful parts of my trauma. I think it has to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I have become extremely adept at pushing it away the past year or so, but distracting myself isn’t helping me get any better.
Last week in therapy I spoke about a particular part, I kept blaming myself over and over again, I couldn’t accept or hear anything else. After my session I couldn’t get it out of my head so I decided to try something my therapist suggested and to sit with it, I didn’t push it away, I sat and let the pain crash over me, I let the waves of sickness take over and I just sort of accepted the flashbacks that kept knocking me down but I didn’t give up.
For me sitting with that pain was awful, imagine the nastiest person you know, the person on the bus that sits too close, the person that is a bit too creepy, the person with awful personal hygiene, the person who makes you feel the worse things about yourself, throw them all together and then strip to your swimwear and sit skin to skin with them in a steam room… that is how sitting with my pain feels. My skin crawls, I am often physically sick and flashbacks/disassociation are inevitable.
Because of the things mentioned above I usually give in, push it away or sometimes I end up hurting myself. Last week I didn’t! I trusted myself and I stayed sat with my sickening burden until I could sort it out. After 2 and a half days the most amazing thing happened. I verbalised how I felt to my girlfriend and like magic my head went radio silent, for me that is incredible! I mean it scared me I was very suspicious, I thought my unconscious was plotting against me. but again I tentatively put trust in myself, and for a whole day my mind didn’t batter me!
My mind has of course started trying to batter me again but it’s so much quieter for now and it’s moved on from that certain part! Also since I managed to power through I am mostly managing to go to bed without an ice pack and I’m not needing a tv programme on until I fall asleep 😀 I think I am finally figuring out how to forgive myself, I know it isn’t going to be easy but I think I’m finally ready to give it my absolute best shot!