Biting the bullet.

The past few days I have found myself toying with the idea of giving EMDR another go. My therapist mentioned it, to help me get the bottom of why I keep skipping time. Straight away I said no, however after a chat with my girlfriend about it… I am mulling it over. I had an awful experience last year with EMDR which ultimately led me back to self harm, bulimia and hospital 🙄

I can have a break from my therapy and go back afterwards so what do I have to lose? I don’t think my sanity is at huge risk anymore, I am in a very different place than I was in December/January, maybe I am strong enough this time.

Because I am mulling it over I decided to find some research on how EMDR works for people like me. I tentatively typed into google “EMDR after sexual assault” a huge thing for me because A I can’t stand to see anything like that and B I struggle to read anything to do with it. But this time I came across an article that I was brave enough to read. It took me a good 10 hours but I read it and not only did it break my heart, it inspired me in a bittersweet way.

This is the article incase anyone wants to read it, https://www.thesurvivorstrust.org/blog/my-experience-of-emdr-treating-trauma in her post the lady talks about going back to that night, seeing herself and holding her own hand. 😥

I was rather taken aback because there have been plenty of times I’ve found myself back there as a spectator and I point blank refuse to even look at myself never mind show any sort of compassion. I find myself seething with fury at the half naked woman trapped underneath her best friend on the floor, I don’t forgive her one little bit.

The lady in the above post talks about how free she felt after she cared for herself and let go of guilt. The only guilt she had by the end of her treatment was guilt for how she treat herself afterwards and she realised it was all on him and not on her. To me that is just like wow! 🤯 I literally cannot comprehend it in my head. I want to be strong enough to do that. I want my life back, I want my body back, I want my dignity and my sparkle back.

I know I’m not the woman I used to be but I think I need a little help to come to terms with the new me and maybe if I manage to let go of a little toxic guilt I can start doing that. So.. I bit the bullet I found a place that does EMDR where I live and I emailed them.

As for what I’m hoping to get out of it, before I wanted to just get through a full 24 hours without a flashback or a nightmare, now I want to be able to go straight up to that woman on the floor and I want to hold her hand. I want to do that without feeling any sort of shame, guilt or nausea. I want to lay the blame where it should be I want to be able to say I forgive myself. ❤️ At the minute it seems like an impossible task, but maybe I’m ready to give it one more shot.