Not done one of these for ages. The truth is I am struggling so bad recently.. it’s difficult to find any positives! I suppose that despite the overwhelming urge to harm myself I haven’t done it. I surrendered all of the medications and the blades I could reach. I suppose that’s positive.
I drew a body map of triggers/good thoughts/sad thoughts and scars… with all the badness flowing through my mind written down I could try and tackle one thought at a time.
I coloured my wrist in red, it seems to have temporarily stopped the urge to hurt it.
I saw the R word yesterday written down on paperwork related to me and I actually think I’m starting to accept it.. I mean it’s sickeningly painful but for the most part I am managing to sit with the waves.
I managed to bathe yesterday for the first time in ages and today I managed to get out of bed to eat breakfast.
I am so sick and tired of this rollercoaster. I wish I would either get better or just allow it to take over and make me a gibbering wreck. either way I just wish I could get out of my body just for a while. The patching together of a tortured mind to a hateful body is awfully hard.
Update… I wrote this on Saturday afternoon unfortunately by Saturday night I had lost my mind and took a knife to myself. I am so exhausted! It feels like it’s never going to end!! Most of the time when I have a setback I usually feel stronger as I come through the other side, this time I’m wondering what the f£@k is the point??