Positive things. (sort of) TW (updated)

Not done one of these for ages. The truth is I am struggling so bad recently.. it’s difficult to find any positives! I suppose that despite the overwhelming urge to harm myself I haven’t done it. I surrendered all of the medications and the blades I could reach. I suppose that’s positive.

I drew a body map of triggers/good thoughts/sad thoughts and scars… with all the badness flowing through my mind written down I could try and tackle one thought at a time.

I coloured my wrist in red, it seems to have temporarily stopped the urge to hurt it.

I saw the R word yesterday written down on paperwork related to me and I actually think I’m starting to accept it.. I mean it’s sickeningly painful but for the most part I am managing to sit with the waves.

I managed to bathe yesterday for the first time in ages and today I managed to get out of bed to eat breakfast.

I am so sick and tired of this rollercoaster. I wish I would either get better or just allow it to take over and make me a gibbering wreck. either way I just wish I could get out of my body just for a while. The patching together of a tortured mind to a hateful body is awfully hard.

Update… I wrote this on Saturday afternoon unfortunately by Saturday night I had lost my mind and took a knife to myself. I am so exhausted! It feels like it’s never going to end!! Most of the time when I have a setback I usually feel stronger as I come through the other side, this time I’m wondering what the f£@k is the point??

Published by DelilahSpuddy

Well when I first started this blog, I was just using it as an anonymous way to vent. I suffered a horrific year in 2018 starting with witnessing abuse in my work place and ending in an awful assault on me by a so called friend. Now as I start to recover I’m hoping to reach those who unfortunately may find themselves in my situation with nobody to turn to. I managed my PTSD symptoms a good 8 months before I was told I wasn’t going mad and actually there was a name for it. In those 8 months I came up with all sorts of weird and wonderful ways to ground and help myself. Some of the writing in my blog isn’t nice and contains some triggers so please be aware. It’s just what I need to do at the moment. But if you want to... feel free to have a look ❤️ welcome to the madhouse 😂

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