The past few weeks I have felt like I have gone totally backwards in my recovery, nightmares are back full throttle, I am bathing in clothes, holding my wee in to avoid a flashback resulting in nasty water infections which don’t help the situation at all, not trusting myself around sharps or meds.. I was talking to my therapist yesterday and she asked me how I was now compared to say two years ago..
I thought about it ,and started thinking about when I dropped the whole police investigation, I remember the sense of weightlessness I felt afterwards and my anxiety is nothing like it was then but my inner voice has seriously punished me for it! Sometimes she tries to tell me it wasn’t worth it, I’m a useless pathetic prick and he gets away with doing whatever he likes and it’s all my fault.
This morning I took another battering from my inner voice and I decided to seek out some writing I knew I had done the day after I dropped everything.. I read it and all those feelings came flooding straight back. When the bitch in my head started again I made her read it and for once she has gone bloody quiet! Reading the writing below makes me cry, it makes me feel relief and it makes me realise that actually I am proud of myself and I am so glad I am still here!!
So yesterday I made the most difficult heartbreaking decision of my life. Afterwards I felt weird… like deflated but also weightless, the huge pile of bricks I’d had stacking up on my back had all of a sudden evaporated into thin air. I didn’t know what to do with myself, I had a little cry, I had a little nap and then I went out and got drunk which is my standard reaction to anything.. but even then I was ok I had a nice time. Then this morning I woke up with a hangover and instantly remembered yesterday’s events and for a fleeting second I said to myself what the fuck have you done? But then after a few minutes mulling it over in my head I realised something, I was glad I had woken up, for the first time in the whole 17 months this has being weighing me down I was glad I was awake, I’m excited to see where my day leads, I’m excited to see my family and my girlfriend I’m excited to see my cats, I’m excited to start eating properly and hopefully get a solid grip on the bulimia it sounds strange but I feel like I’m seeing everything through brand new eyes.. eyes that aren’t clouded with overwhelming sadness and pain, eyes that aren’t heavy, I’m just so glad to still be here. I’m still sad and obviously the horrendous pain I feel still needs addressing and sorting through but I feel like I can do that now without the threat of me being tipped over the edge and taking a razor to my skin, or taking all my medication. I’m just happy… I made it.