Calm in the chaos

I recently started having EMDR, I had a previous awful experience so I was very anxious and skeptical but I had to give it one last shot because i knew that if it was done properly it could be extremely beneficial.

I have become so tired of violent nightmares every single night, not managing to talk about things I need to without becoming overcome with physical and emotional reminders, I want to be able to say those words, say what he did to me without immediately vomiting or spending the next few days stuck in violent flashbacks, I want to be able to get a bath/shower without having to be SO aware of literally the smallest things, I want to be able to have a wee without the unpleasant crawling sensation on my legs caused by underwear driving me to cut my thighs… and that’s to name just a few! I just want to live!! I am so exhausted.

I found myself a private therapist, I am so done with waiting lists and limited sessions it’s expensive but I get pip and that just about covers the sessions. I also managed to get some free sessions through victim support so.. it’s all good to go. My therapist is male, straight away I put up walls, how could he get it? How could he be with me? I was very dubious, how could I verbalise the worst parts to a man? Straight away he put me at ease, I don’t have to verbalise anything I can just think it and all he needs to know during the process is if there is a change. I threw all sorts of challenges at him expecting him to give up but he didn’t. I can’t use the light beam as I suffer from optical migraines and I certainly can’t use touch, so we use sound instead.

I had my first proper reprocessing session last night and for once I didn’t vomit! The first few tries didn’t work I began to get sweaty, panicking and could feel the flashbacks creeping up. My therapist was very patient as I kept telling him nothing was changing, finally he found a tempo that sort of started to work and to tell the truth I was absolutely blown away!

I had to think of the most distressing image, the one that wakes me up in a panic every single night, as I thought about it time and time again it began to not be such a huge shock, the panic started to calm and instead I just felt a sort of dread, as we pushed on I realised my legs couldn’t feel anything! Now usually my skin is highly sensitive in relation to this memory.. I can usually feel his hands, my underwear and the rough carpet on my skin.. but it kept getting less and less until I couldn’t feel anything and my legs stopped reacting!!! They didn’t even tense! The image is still very strong but half of my body doesn’t react to it! We pushed further on and my body stopped reacting at all, no shaking, tensing, no skin crawling just that small sicky feeling.

By the end of the session I was even finding it difficult to easily recall that particular memory because all I could concentrate on was the beeps in my ears. I ended the session absolutely exhausted and a little bewildered.. surely it couldn’t be that easy?? I was prepared for fierce repercussions and to be honest I had to take a sleeping pill because my brain wouldn’t shut off.

I managed to get out of the house by myself today for the first time in almost a fortnight, it tired me right out and I went for a nap. I had a nightmare but as I woke up I felt nothing in my body, sure I was a little sweaty but for the first time in 2 and a half years my body hadn’t reacted!! It wasn’t crawling it wasn’t stiff or stuck I just woke up and managed to just be.. I cannot describe how amazing that feels to just brush that particular memory off as a normal nightmare!

I was warned things might get worse and other memories might pop up but for once instead of trying to avoid it, I feel ready and able to take them on.. I’m also beyond ready to catch up on 2 and a half years worth of uninterrupted sleep. I know it’s early days but I am so looking forward to progressing and finding myself again. ❤️