Having a heavy feeling inside your head, like a seriously muggy day devoid of fresh air or any sort of breeze.
Being so desperately sad but unable to utter a single syllable or cry.
Having that heavy muggy feeling spread through your body, into your forehead making it throb, into your ears making them ring and sometimes it manages to leak out of your eyes or out of your mouth in a tiny painful gasp, mostly though it just heavily invades your whole body whilst you lay silent staring at the ceiling.
Not wanting to die exactly… but not arsed if you cease to exist.
Having a love hate relationship with any medication you are on… one day they are the only things keeping you sane, the next day they are the devil, making you fat, numb and tired.
Having no motivation to do anything you enjoy. not enjoying anything you manage to do. You don’t seem to get the happy chemicals that addict you to hobbies. You just return to bed exhausted.
Spending time with other people either physically or virtually completely detached, having to remind yourself to smile and join in at certain intervals.
Having your brain batter you over and over with all the should’ve, would’ve, could’ves of your entire life.
Not showering or bathing for weeks on end because what’s the point?
Sometimes there’s no rhyme or reason to the sadness, it just engulfs whenever it sees fit.
I have read a lot of perceptions of depression the past few days and I wanted to get mine out too, depression is a horrible illness, it’s not just a bad day or a down patch it’s all those things above and more and it just goes on and on in a constant scary, vivid, debilitating vicious circle.