Remission

I haven’t managed to write anything in such a long time! I’ve been too busy getting better and I’m happy to say I think my PTSD has crawled off into remission 😃😃

My EMDR has worked absolute miracles! When I first started it I would spend the whole day anxious as hell about it, I wouldn’t eat and I’d throw up regardless from nerves. I hated it…. Hated having to think of the worst parts of my trauma and having to deal with the physical effects, I had a hard enough time during my days fighting off triggers and flashbacks as it was so to knowingly invite them seemed ludicrous to me.

It’s taken almost a whole year of treatment for me to process the fact I was raped, I was raped by my very best friend and my mind just would not allow that to hit. Now… it’s hit alright, it hurts like hell but at least I can sort of accept it without my body and mind going haywire. It took me a good 8 sessions of EMDR to even begin to process that word. Now in my sessions we have moved onto abuse in my previous relationship and instead of having to make sure I have a sick bowl, ice packs and oils to bring me round… I am processing these memories in one single session! Sometimes we get through 2 memories and it feels amazing.

Since my mental health has started improving I’m able to function like an actual person! Unfortunately I am suffering from vasculitis, an autoimmune disease brought on by covid but instead of laying in bed feeling even worse about myself I’ve managed to get a work from home job for the time being and I don’t mind so much being isolated from people, I have my wonderful girlfriend and my two cats. That’s more than enough social contact for now.

I feel like a new woman.. in my last session I was working on images/memories that left me feeling helpless and trapped.. by the end I was able to say actually I now felt powerful and free. I feel like I’m seeing everything with a new sense of me. Like I’m back but I’m also new. I’m not dragged down by my mind. It’s finally started to knit back together with my skin.

When I was raped my body, mind and soul were absolutely and horrifically torn apart, they hated each other so to have them starting to have each other’s backs again is great.

Don’t get me wrong I still have my moments and Im not naive enough to think I am cured completely but I’ve never had a lull this long, I just feel so alive and for the first time in over 3 years I’m glad to be alive. ❤️