Fresh hell.

It is currently 2.50 am and I have just fought my way out of my fourth NEW nightmare of the night!! I was warned things could get worse during the process of EMDR and last nights session was brutal but I felt I made huge progress…

Fast forward to bedtime, I was exhausted after my session so I went to bed very early. I fussed for a while before settling down and sleeping for what felt around half hour before waking up to forgotten memories flowing through my brain like red hot lava, I used to say I wanted to remember stuff but not all at once like this!!! I daren’t even take my old trusty friend zopiclone because I don’t want to be trapped in the ugly circus of my mind right now!

I saw a film once, I can’t remember it’s name, but the bloke in it takes a drug that slows everything down and allows him to see clearly, in tonight’s session I felt like things became sharper, slower and clearer, I felt I had put a large part of that specific memory to bed. I felt good, I felt buoyant and I felt like I was taking back some power, now I feel like I’m on a huge comedown.. I feel like my mind needs that old memory… it’s horrific and I hate it but it’s kind of familiar (what am I even saying?!). Nothing about these new things are familiar, they are huge, loud, vivid and scary. 😩 it’s like I’ve taken my finger out of a dam and it’s all starting to crumble onto me.

There is hopefully some sort of reason for all of this and hopefully the reason will become apparent soover rather than later! For now I will try to be nice to myself. Any suggestions on Netflix to binge watch would be most welcome.. I can’t see myself getting out of bed or sleeping anytime soon 😩