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The Circus (written March 2019)

So this is my first blog post ever.. a member on a Depression Forum suggested it to me, I used to keep diaries as a child and nothing else seems to work so I’ll give this a try.

So here we go, an insight into the circus that is my mind right now, at this very moment I am fresh out of hospital from my fourth suicide attempt in as many months, this time though my family and friends were taken completely unaware and by surprise because I seemed so much “better” I wasn’t better I’ve just got good at hiding it… I have PTSD, depression and anxiety, I also suffer from a deep hatred of myself, unfortunately its not something I can just get better from I wish it was that easy!.

I have a couple of really close friends that I’ve known since preschool and they beg me to talk to them, but I can’t, I can’t explain it to them because it sounds crazy and it sounds warped I wouldn’t be able to stand seeing my friends faces as I tried to explain anything, so I’ll try here.

I have good days, I have bad days and I have days that are so dark and painful I cannot stand it. The way I’ve started to explain it to myself is, my good days are like a rehearsal, not just a rehearsal for me to return to the person I once was, but also a rehearsal for the really dark days because in my good days I find ways to help myself, new ways to pull myself out of the flashbacks that cripple me and leave me on the bathroom floor for hours, ways to stop myself running to the toilet to be sick everytime I eat, new ways to be at peace with myself.

The bad days are like a really badly rehearsed Circus… the awful words and thoughts somersault around and around in my head never ending never becoming the finale… just torturing me over and over again. I am not in control of the show at all, it just pushes ahead and drags me across with it.

The really dark days are like the end of the Circus… the badly rehearsed Circus that you may of unwittingly let some people see… the awful Circus they will most likely want to forget and never go back to… I stumble around muttering apologies and promising to find better ways and better shows next time… I’m promising this to people whilst inside I’m screaming in pain… I’m apologising for hurting those I love but inside I’m broken into a million pieces yet I can’t explain anything to them they don’t understand no matter how much they try to listen I can see the pain in their eyes when they can’t help me… that crushes me even more.

So like I say… barely a week out of hospital from by far the most serious attempt on my life yet I’ve had no input from the Mental Health Services.. the help that keeps getting dangled in front of me and then snatched away.. so here we go again.., the rehearsal has started… I’ve found new ways to pull me out of flashbacks I have even managed to find a way to stop them coming after ten long months of people telling me to just “stop it”… I am taking these rehearsals one day at a time and a tiny little bit of me knows that one day I won’t be trapped in this god awful cycle… until then I’ll cherish those around me and I’ll try to cherish my life. I just wanted maybe others to read this… you are not alone and the good days will come… you just have to believe in yourself. I know that’s the hardest thing right now I really do… I find myself counselling friends and I can’t believe the words that come out of my mouth, taking your own advice and trusting yourself can be the hardest thing to do in the world… but if you is all you have right now than trust yourself… in the meantime I have my own back through these rehearsals and I have yours too.

A letter to Poppy.

Today’s letter is supposed to be to someone close, I decided to write to my mums dog. She literally has been my best mate the past few years.

Infact I got so close to her I remember a counsellor asking me how I dealt with my drinking issues… I told her I went for walks with my best mate, she then asked me if my best mate stayed away from alcohol. I can actually remember thinking she was the crazy one as I replied well erm the dog doesn’t drink. 😂😀

So my letter to pops..

I wish I could tell you how much I absolutely adore you! In my absolute darkest moments you were always there. Always happy to see me no matter what. Never judged me, never turned your back and just made my heart soar with joy everytime I saw you gorgeous little face.

I hope you know you saved me so many times. I kept trying to pluck up the courage to jump off the Humber Bridge so I would try to walk there most days, and sometimes it was in a state of disassociation so I started taking you along with me because I knew there’s absolutely no way in hell I would leave you alone like that.

I would sit at home trying to fight the urge to hurt myself. I didn’t do it so many times because I had promised to take you out before I went to bed. I would pour my heart out to you and cry all over your head, you just sat there and took it. ❤️

I know some people think you are just a dog.. but to me you are my best mate, you gave me a purpose and you never told anyone my secrets. Just wish you knew how much I love you❤️

A letter to my favourite place.

I’m a little behind and I’ve mixed it up a little… instead of writing to my dream or destination, I’ve written to my safe place.

Mar 22 (Sunday)– to your younger self (you can go back to any time you like)
Mar 23 (Monday)- to your older self (you to jump to any time you wish to)
Mar 24 (Tuesday)- to your present self
March 25 (Wednesday)- to Life
Mar 26 (Thursday)- to Time
Mar 27 (Friday)- to your Dream/Destination
Mar 28 (Saturday)- to someone who’s dear to you.. parents, grandparents, children
Mar 29 (Sunday)- to an old friend
Mar 30 (Monday)- to a stranger
Mar 31 (Tuesday)- to the month of March

https://bloggingexposure.wordpress.com/2020/03/22/lets-write-letters/

My goodness how I miss you!!! I cannot wait to come back once all this over. You have provided such comfort and shelter when I’ve needed it.

I cannot wait to come back and be hidden underneath the steam railway in the middle of the moors, I can’t wait to lay back on my favourite rock with my feet in the icy cold water, reading a book and lose myself for hours.

I can’t wait to hear the bridge creaking and rattling as the steam train comes rambling along filling the air with a thick cloud of coal filled steam.

I can’t wait to just be at peace and feel as safe as I do when I’m there with you ❤️❤️ I never really took you for granted with you so far away from my hometown, but I never thought I actually wouldn’t be able to visit if the opportunity arose!!

Until we meet again xxx

My favourite place in the world.

A letter to time.

I’m a little behind on the letters! But still writing when I can!

https://bloggingexposure.wordpress.com/2020/03/22/lets-write-letters/

Mar 22 (Sunday)– to your younger self (you can go back to any time you like)

Mar 23 (Monday)- to your older self (you to jump to any time you wish to)

Mar 24 (Tuesday)- to your present self 

March 25 (Wednesday)- to Life 

Mar 26 (Thursday)- to Time

Mar 27 (Friday)- to your Dream/Destination

Mar 28 (Saturday)- to someone who’s dear to you.. parents, grandparents, children 

Mar 29 (Sunday)- to an old friend

Mar 30 (Monday)- to a stranger

Mar 31 (Tuesday)- to the month of March

Well this is difficult I don’t know if I want you to stand still, fast forward or take me back a couple of years?!

If I could have hindsight I would totally ask you to take me back. I have realised even though I have had the most difficult time of my life, nothing is impossible! All the changes I have made to my life I would of thought impossible a couple of years ago, but it just goes to show when you lose inhibition and you find yourself largely fearless you can achieve some amazing things. So with hindsight deffo take me back… without hindsight no thank you.

If I could have you fast forward, I would love you to skip to the part where I’m largely better and hopefully qualified in my chosen career. But I don’t want time to go so fast I forget to live, I forget to enjoy stuff and I forget how it feels when hard work pays off. If I could take all that wealth with me I’d love a fast forward button.

If I could have you stand still without this virus obviously, I am quite strangely the happiest I’ve been for a few years. I’m very loved up with the most amazing understanding woman, I am achieving all the time whether that be a uni place, a distinction, or a new way out of a flashback… I have made new friends and I am closer to my family than I have ever been. If I could have you stand still it would be to preserve all of that because I know just how fast things can change.

People keep telling me time is a healer so… thanks for the help xx

A letter to life…

Bit late and mostly ranty but 🤷‍♀️

https://bloggingexposure.wordpress.com/2020/03/22/lets-write-letters/

Right life, you absolute son of a nutcracker! what is this?! Seriously?! Give a girl a break!!

I would like to know exactly what the hell the past two years have been about,and why you thought it was appropriate to deal me that hand?? not even just that but what the hell is this virus about?! Just because I choose to self isolate every few weeks doesn’t mean I’m happy to do it for 12 weeks!

Regardless of this latest string on the bow… seriously the past two years, why?! So first of all you made me witness abuse which I then did the right thing about, but what happened? Nothing. After that I started to lose my passion for looking after people, that hurt, it’s what I do best. I then let my guard down in-front of someone for him to completely and utterly blow my safe little world apart. But you wasn’t even finished then… after that I lost my home, my long term relationship, most of my friends, my job and my bloody sanity!!!

Now what am I left with? PTSD well thank you so much for that. Honestly I get things are sent to test us and show us strength of character etc etc but just one of those things would of done thanks I mean 100 percent not what he did, you could of showed me not to trust in a different way and I’d of listened. Just one of those huge things though that would of been enough! but no you dealt me all of them in an 11 month period.

So after most of that you gave me the strength to pick up the phone and call the police, which once again turned into a huge quivering blob of stress and anxiety and once again absolutely nothing was achieved from speaking out. Also through my therapy which I get for the trauma I suffered I’m realising I’ve had so much to deal with my whole life and actually it isn’t fair so also what was that about?!

What have you done for me then? Left me a mere shadow of the person I once was. Shown me I can’t trust anybody. Shown me speaking out only ever benefits the bad people. Left me with crippling PTSD and left me feeling sorry for myself most of the time which in turn, turns into self loathing which then sets me off. I am not happy with you at all.

I keep trying to quit you… you are honestly at the minute a big horrible twat. You won’t let me quit though and I am hoping that is for a bloody good reason! Goodness knows I need a light at the end of the tunnel.

To be fair some of those clouds have silver linings, I realised my 13 year relationship was toxic and I am now in a far more healthy and happier one. I managed to go to college and get into university, I’ve met new friends, I’m determined to be a mental health nurse and my passion for looking after others is slowly returning but even then life, you have something to say, you make me feel bad for feeling proud of those things because sometimes I think those things only ever happened because of what he did to me so then I start to hate all of it. I just would like a break please.

Thanks. Over and out.

Blossom in a dark dark world.

Today I’m meant to be writing a letter to life… but I am feeling far too overwhelmed and anxious to tackle that today. Maybe tomorrow. For today…. I wanted to share a picture my sister sent me.

A picture of my tree. A tree that this blog is named after ❤️

My sister sending me this picture of my tree Delilah literally made me so happy! This time last year I was in surgery after a drunken suicide attempt.. a few days later I planted Delilah to give me a purpose… a short lived one at that I soon forgot about her, but!! Look at her now 😃😃😃 all blossoming and growing despite having a hard time of it😃

Might sound strange but seeing her all beautiful and blooming reminds me to carry on. ❤️ that is all… just wanted to share something beautiful.

❤️

A letter to me…

Well this is going to be hard, I have a constant battle going on in my head so to talk to my present self is actually rather scary, I never know which me is going to come to the forefront! I am very much teetering on an edge too 😬 however I’ll try and give myself a talking to.

So you are stuck in on day 10 of self isolation, you are used to isolating so it’s not having a huge effect just yet, certainly starting to feel it though, I’m hoping once you are allowed out your social anxiety won’t of hit peak panic pants mode and you can carry on in the manner you have been for the past month or two. I wish you would also stop worrying about this when you are trying to sleep.

You are currently on hold for the 4th time today trying to sort out your meds. Not allowed more than a weeks worth so having to go through this every week is really starting to stress you out! I wouldn’t mind but you haven’t overdosed in like months so god knows why the meds are so limited. The hold music is triggering as hell! It reminds you of all the times you tried to call the crisis team or the drs… to no avail.

It’s that triggering you are starting to wonder if the meds are even worth it. They make you fat, tired and spotty and have even managed to compromise your immune system… and now trying to sort them out is starting to set you off… is it worth it?

Have you managed to pull yourself through with just a change of environment and strength of mind? Is it those things plus the anti psychotic? The biggest thing to consider is… is it worth the gamble? Are you seriously willing to gamble with your fragile mental health? I think that answer should be absolutely not.

The meds thing is an inconvenience but that’s all it is. An inconvenience which hopefully will be sorted..just got to hang in there and stay on hold for hours on end. 🤬 I wouldn’t mind, I know that obviously helplines and GPs surgeries aren’t inundated yet I can’t help feel that if people did their jobs correctly this wouldn’t happen!!!! I spoke to my GPS yesterday she couldn’t get me off the phone quick enough! I asked her if she could make sure my meds were sent to the correct place she was just like yeah that’s done bye. (We went through this last week also) Well no love you didn’t do it at all. Hence me once again being on hold to a service that doesn’t need to be blocked up by these sorts of calls!!!

Anyway… just carry on doing what you are doing… you know you can and stop letting little things seep in and worry you. I mean there’s worse places you could be isolated.. yeah downstairs neighbours are absolute dickheads but you can’t beat the view. Just try and chill…

Worse places to be on house arrest

Tomorrow’s letter should be fun… a letter to life 😂 boy do I have some bones to pick.

A letter to 50 year old me

Well hi there!

As I write to you the prime minister has just put the country on lockdown because of a virus! A virus that you have… you aren’t very well but you aren’t too bad. Do you remember? I bet you never take a walk in the fresh air for granted again once this is over!

I have no clue what you are up to now but I hope you achieved everything you wanted at this point in your life… as you’ll remember to have future plans as this stage of your life is immense!!! Given you couldn’t stand the thought of being here a few short months ago! I hope you got your dream of being a high intensity therapist and you are happy and settled prefably with a dog or two! I hope your PTSD has largely pissed off and it’s all just a distant memory now.

I hope you remind yourself often of all the obstacles you overcame and of how strong you are. I hope your hair is still as wild as overgrown forest and is still crazy colours!

Mostly I just hope you are still around and I hope you have made the difference that you strive towards. Xx