Just a little reminder to myself… (TW self harm)

Despite being on the verge of another police investigation and despite the fact i feel my PTSD is getting bad again.. this little reminder popped up on my phone today and it absolutely stunned me! Almost 8 months since I intentionally hurt myself! This is huge!! Last time I was going through this sort of …

Stiff upper lip or self sabotage?

Growing up British and in a household with two seriously ill brothers I was taught the stiff upper lip, it’s not that bad approach from a very early age. I learnt to suppress emotions and feelings very well and I grew up believing that I was quite a robust tough woman, if I ever felt …

Not all men….

I haven’t written anything on here for quite some time, I’ve been staying off social media and generally trying to come to terms with the stuff I deal with in EMDR and just generally trying to get on with life. But I feel I need to get this off my chest! So excuse me for …

Can you work in care if you actually care?

Here in the U.K., care jobs are aplenty, homecare, residential care, specialist care etc etc.. it’s not hard to get a care job and a lot of people unfortunately get one because it’s easy to get in. the money isn’t great and the hours are long so if you aren’t the sort of person who …

Positives of the past month!

Today I managed to finish a book!! This is a big big deal! I have always adored reading, I love feeling like a teeny tiny speck in the midst of huge towering words and great big soft pages all floating around me, swallowing me up and making me literally live the book.. I like feeling …

Depression is…

Having a heavy feeling inside your head, like a seriously muggy day devoid of fresh air or any sort of breeze. Being so desperately sad but unable to utter a single syllable or cry. Having that heavy muggy feeling spread through your body, into your forehead making it throb, into your ears making them ring …

Rusty key.

During my last two EMDR sessions the strangest things have started popping up! Like making up dance routines with my little brother when we were very young or me chewing all the feet of my barbies in a bid to reject the girlie girl persona my stepmother insistently tried to drive into me. I couldn’t …

A session full of firsts.

Last nights EMDR was full of firsts for me! The first time I wasn’t sick before/during the session. (I was afterwards but I suspect that was from eating too much). The first time I managed to verbalise stuff, usually I shake my head when he asks if I can tell him stuff, last night I …

I’m Henry the VIII I am!

I haven’t had much sleep at all since my last EMDR session, I either lay awake and let my head batter me all night or I have around 4 hours of broken sleep, sleep that is flooded by memories and nightmares. I have also started sleepwalking and eating.. I haven’t sleptwalked since I was a …

Fresh hell.

It is currently 2.50 am and I have just fought my way out of my fourth NEW nightmare of the night!! I was warned things could get worse during the process of EMDR and last nights session was brutal but I felt I made huge progress… Fast forward to bedtime, I was exhausted after my …

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